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Emma's GoRant
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Reversal of Intent
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!


A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.  In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed.  Nothing happened.


Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." 
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."


The jury foreman replied:
 "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

Posted by emmasgorant at 10:25 AM EST
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Idiot Sighting

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph , Ontario .

                                                         
  

STAY ALERT !  They walk among us...


Posted by emmasgorant at 10:24 AM EST
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Idiot Sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in Montreal , Quebec .

Posted by emmasgorant at 10:23 AM EST
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Idiot Sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Toronto , Ontario .

Posted by emmasgorant at 10:23 AM EST
Monday, 30 November 2009
Idiot Sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Winnipeg , Manitoba .

Posted by emmasgorant at 10:22 AM EST
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Idiot Sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Collingwood , Ontario .

Posted by emmasgorant at 10:22 AM EST
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Idiot Sighting
Mood:  happy
IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower..' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa .



Posted by emmasgorant at 3:21 AM EST
Friday, 27 November 2009
Office...
Mood:  bright

Office Truisms

·         No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

·         Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

·         Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

·         All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

·         You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·         If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


Posted by emmasgorant at 4:19 AM EST
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Out of office messages
Mood:  a-ok

E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: I've run away to join the circus.


Posted by emmasgorant at 8:18 PM EST
Idiot Sighting
Mood:  d'oh

IDIOT SIGHTING:
 
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter..
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'


I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.


Posted by emmasgorant at 10:20 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, 25 November 2009 10:21 AM EST
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Facebook Profile Pictures
Mood:  d'oh

Sorry I haven't been here for a while.. I am a bit addicted to my farmville on Facebook.  Not to mention that I am super busy at my real job, then helping my husband with his new company www.mow2snow.ca

So I some how lost the link to my farm on facebook & stumbled across a "sex games" link, so I was curious & clicked it, & it showed me its members...  needless to say I logged out... but here is a picture of one of the members facebook profile ...  I KID YOU NOT!!!

 

 


Posted by emmasgorant at 7:50 PM EST
Monday, 5 October 2009
Viagra

 

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

 When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

 

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

 

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

 

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their ideas and created a Top 10 List.

 

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

 

The top 10 were:

 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

 

 9.   Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

 

 8.   Viagra, like a rock!

 

 7.   Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

 

 6.   Viagra, Be all that you can be.

 

 5.  Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

 

 4.  Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman..

 3.  Viagra, Home of the whopper!

 2.  Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

 

 1.  This is your peepee..... This is your peepee on drugs.

 


Posted by emmasgorant at 2:06 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 5 October 2009 2:06 PM EDT
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #.. the rest.. I can't be bothered to keep creating seperate ones!!!

The rest.. ENJOY!

 

 

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.   OR worse when the link is broken

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Friday, 25 September 2009

A  Somali arrives in Vancouver as a  new immigrant to Canada .  He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says  ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,  money for food, free  medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am  Mexican.'


The  man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in Canada !'

The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'

The  new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'


That person puts up his hand  and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'

He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the  Canadians ?'
The  African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at  work'

 

IF  YOU  DON'T  PASS THIS  ON, TOMORROW  AT 11:30 AM

YOU   WILL   RECEIVE  THREE   ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE


Posted by emmasgorant at 10:57 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 24 September 2009 10:58 AM EDT
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #20.... and a few more..

 

My responses / thoughts are in blue.. :) 

 

20) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

Agreed....  same with Text messages.. hello Alissa.. sound familiar?  I feel like you aren't stalking me anymore.. did you find someone more interesting?  Or are you tired of hearing about my #2s!



21) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

TOTALLY agree...  expecially when I am having a good hair day & a non-bloated day!  I feel ripped off...

 

22) When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

 

Ok, not totally.. but still funny....

 


23) I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

 

I so agree.... & why does it like to play the stuff I put on a while ago more than the stuff I just added.. So annoying...  I probably should read the instructions...

 

24) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

Actually I hate people on the phone / texting & not paying attention.. If I can walk down the street in rush hour, while listening to music & reading a book ..(which I do when walking from the GO station to work) you people should be able to text & walk.. Not that hard people.. If I can do it you can too.. I am not brillant (well I think I am.. but not many agree)

 


Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 24 September 2009 10:52 AM EDT
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #19
Mood:  incredulous

 

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I feel the same way in the car....  What is wrong with a little Britney sometimes?  Or some Supertramp...... 


Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 24 September 2009 10:54 AM EDT
Monday, 21 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #18

 

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 24 September 2009 10:50 AM EDT
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought # 17 ( I think.. really does it matter what I # it as)
Mood:  quizzical

 

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

 

I totally agree.. I had & have MANY VHS. & have re-purchased some in DVD format.. they better not change it again.. 

Ps. My mom still has our 8 track player & still has the Muppets & Shawnana!  (no joke)



Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 24 September 2009 10:53 AM EDT
Friday, 18 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #16
Mood:  spacey

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

I swear this was me just a few days ago!!!  And for some people in my office this is them on most days.  How do they get away with it ....




Posted by emmasgorant at 12:01 AM EDT
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Mini Deep Thought #14

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

 

muhha.......   LOL..........   no comment.... :)


Posted by emmasgorant at 5:52 AM EDT

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